| its snowing... |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|10:17 pm] |
ive had an awesome weekend friday night i went to heaven again for ladies night picked up this one chick she was HOT! like whoa not as hot as the girl from the weekend before that, but u know...bleh then went to the hookah bar and got a hotel later and chilled smoked till like 11 the next morning. the hotel was in fort lee so i like took clay and company to englewood and around area. sat. night i was suppose to go out wit shannon and i had not seen her the whole week since the time we spent in the hotel last weekend, its weird cauze i guess shes the closest thing to a gf right now and i dont really like her but w.e.
got back to marlton and slept all day till like 9 that night then was so tired and hung over hung out in the lounge watched are you afriad of the dark went around 3 found this after hours bar that is tottally the shit. it was underground and very V.I.P! came out at like 11 in the morning it was the shit and it was snowing ran around washington square park with clay went to queens...passed out.
stayed in queens all last night woke up did shit....and now im depressed....y
because i miss her...i miss talking to her ,,, i hate beau i think the fate is against us being together. its just not meant to be ...and its just not going to happen...ever!
its like when im talking to her or anytime we were hanging out even back in H.S. it was just the only time things ever felt right ...ever. w.e fuck it
its snowing...and its beau.....tiful
If there was ever a way to sum up all your beauty into one word
this word would bring tears to my eyes everytime it was spoken.
tears of joy.
the very thaught of you makes my eyes swell up, and my heart start to f |
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| best high night in nyc....in search of swings! |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|09:57 am] |
I was kindof upset about stupid shit so i left Marlton around 2 in the morning looking for something to do. I went out with Clay shannon and her friend. We were just smoking in washington square park talked to bums almost got arrested the normal, decided we really wanted to swing but the swings were locked so we moved on to union square park.
Went into mcdonalds made friends chilled wit them for like an hour guy had porn on his sidekick it was funny as hell. He asked for my nuber clay cock blocked lol...even though i didnt want his cock i liked that he liked me. Went to swings at union square and they were too little we were upset we wanted big ppl swings not baby swings so we moved on to...
Battery Park...took the subway down to finichial district found swings but park didnt open to 8 it was like almost 5. We ended up smoking more looking at the stature of liberty and elis island. We did some bumps and hung out there...went to south street sea port. Staten isliand ferry. Wall st. talked to homless ppl almost got hit by cars ran around fun good times. Finally after all the exciment and food and everything that can not be written on here it was 8 we ran to the park and jumped on the swings. Rode the swings for like a half an hour and it was perfect. the best swing rideing of my life.
I took the subway home and made it back to Marlton just in time to register for all my classes. Now i need to sleep...i plan on sleeping ALLLLLLLLL day.
Today was awesome.... |
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| To anita: |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Eternal sunshine, opening scene: u missed it. | ] |
"Hey little sister I heard you went to Mr. So and So, knocking on his door
again last night, said you needed it bad...
we gotta start feeding our souls
Not our addictions or afflictions of pain
to avoid the same questions we must
ask ourselves to get any answers"
love?
The ballad of the lonely Masturbator:
The end of the affair is always death.
She's my workshop. Slippery eye,
out of the tribe of myself my breath
finds you gone. I horrify
those who stand by. I am fed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
Finger to finger, now she's mine.
She's not too far. She's my encounter.
I beat her like a bell. I recline
in the bower where you used to mount her.
You borrowed me on the flowered spread.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
Take for instance this night, my love,
that every single couple puts together
with a joint overturning, beneath, above,
the abundant two on sponge and feather,
kneeling and pushing, head to head.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
I break out of my body this way,
an annoying miracle. Could I
put the dream market on display?
I am spread out. I crucify.
My little plum is what you said.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
Then my black-eyed rival came.
The lady of water, rising on the beach,
a piano at her fingertips, shame
on her lips and a flute's speech.
And I was the knock-kneed broom instead.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
She took you the way a women takes
a bargain dress off the rack
and I broke the way a stone breaks.
I give back your books and fishing tack.
Today's paper says that you are wed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
The boys and girls are one tonight.
They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.
They take off shoes. They turn off the light.
The glimmering creatures are full of lies.
They are eating each other. They are overfed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
J'adore. |
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| jersey... |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|08:44 am] |
I have not updated in awhile been so busy. I was in jersey this past weekend because i needed to get away from all the drama in the dorm. Clay stole a labtop from the lounge, and it caused this huge big thing. I had to think long and hard about our friendship and figure things out but i did. So i was fired from my work study...i was pissed about it but now i know its all good i hated that job. Jersey hmm crazy sex and drugs yeah garden state! the rest of my weekend was family issues. Mom needs bonemarrow transplant im prob. going to end up giving her that which pisses me off.
Started bartending classes test on friday its alot of fun actually i made a friend this kid from like 2 towns over in jersey and lives on 7th st now its so weird and random, but hes awesome today were smoking up before class. bleh! yeah!
and my favorite part about life right now is Beau we are just talking now, its awesome and I love it. Just talking to her everyday makes me....happy. |
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| Beau's weekend |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|02:51 pm] |
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Beau came down from Fordham for the weekend, she got to meet my friends and go to the hookah bar and do all the things i do. Gynn's art show in Brooklyn it was cool. But it wasnt anything she liked it was not her, our lives are so different its hard for us to even chill, but i still really like her. i still can imagine myself with her, even though it makes no sence. It makes no sence at all. I still want her. Fuck ive realized that i promised chelsea i would go out with her when things with Kaitlyn were over, and its been like 2 weeks and ive only got with other chicks ive only seen her once oops. o well ill take her out tonight. bleh....going shopping with clay then work. |
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| smoking a blunt in the lang courtyard |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|03:57 pm] |
yesterday i was feeling realy shit and was just chilling in the lang courtyard i didnt go to my 12 class cauze i felt like shit so i just sat around, brandon saw that and we went to go buy a blunt. we rolled up and got high in the lang courtyard, and met this girl annie she seemed cool talked to her for like 3 hours till i had to go to work, during work she texts me saying she wants to hang out. we go to luxor then chill in marlton for a lil, it wasnt that cool so i ditch her.
johnathan brought his car from queens, we drove around and chilled did the runs to different dorms he sold the rest of all his haze. smoked went to work. it was a private party in luxor yesterday it was so stressfull like 200 ppl trying to squeeze into that area worst part we got robbed so for the whole party we made like 40 bucks cauze we had to put our tips into the register.the whole party we would go into the bathroom and smoke rufos which was hidden behind the toilet paper, it was awesome. but after that we re-opened mike from last weekend came by and brought 2 of his freinds the rest were just the nyu regulars it was fun and so much more chill. there was this girl there i couldnt tell if she was trying to hit on me or not, she goes to nyu and comes by alot it scares me cauze i wanted to jump her there maybe next time if mike wasnt there i would of talked to her more....
k im going to jersey to c dj, then coming back tonight to pick up clay and johnathan, were going out then seeds tomorrow....after that i might get to c beau sia...she said shes gonna come down to the city lets c if she actually will. |
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| late to writing...again! |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|08:37 am] |
What the fuck, late to writing again FUCK! i dont know wats wrong with me i ser. i have a problem. i couldnt sleep last night bleh. I went to go c saw 2 with clay and johnathan we went high it was awesome. The movie was very good, i would def. recommend it to anybody. its fucked up and creepy as fuck. i smoked some more and sat in the back of the hookah bar till closing working on my india midterm. hookah bar was a cock fest yesterday...eww. (nobody to flirt with) tonight im going to take chelsea to the hookah bar, i think thats lik the best first date place. (ironic that i met jade there....i miss her) and i took mike there, and felt very v.i.p. because i knew everybody in the back. I still get shit from going on a date with a guy last weekend, but fuck he comes back from D.C. this weekend and if he gets me a job at his bar making out with him in front of my dorm would so be worth it. Kaitlyn offically hates me, i thaught if i could just see her more time it would change everything. Naive of me, it wouldnt change a thing, not a thing.
The the clock ticks and in the end time bends becuase you and i arent real, we are simply ghosts trying to reclaim our lost and battered souls.
Even in sweet death there is no end and in the agony of birth i suppose there is no beginning.
Perhaps love is just a hoax, a small flutter in the pit of your stomach to trick you into beliving there are things worth living for.
But when you are broken and crying just like me, whats the point in breathing at all?
Love did that to me. And as i wonder the plain searching for somthing that can be lost but never found i blame love and all feelings like it.
I blame it for the slow torture that was my death and for the shattering of an innocent heart that once used to be mine.
I vowed long ago never to be foolish enough to love someone with no boundaries, no rules and with reckless abandon.
But as i found out, love has no reason and i unreasonably loved that apirition for way too long.
shee drained me of my light. shee sucked my blood like a fiend in the night and when i used to cry myself to sleep in my room i would be cringing to keep it quiet.
that poison kiss of hers was like coke to me and each time i was injected i was floating until the come down when i would writhe and contort and beg for another dose.
If only life were a movie, then i would go back and re-do what i know i did wrong. I would go back and not make the same mistakes, do everything right, treat you right.
in the end we are all pawns, all fools, all slaves to love. I accept the shackles that bind me to this pain. I accept the pain. |
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| my last night with Jade |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|01:03 am] |
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tonight is my last night with jade we are about to go over to luxor cauze i have to work, then prob. going to smoke maybe go to queens with clay i dont kow. Jade is kindof annoying shes been playing hard to get all weekend now that she actually realized its her last night shes going to be all nice and over me and shit..to late sista...well def. not to late. Happy Halloween! |
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| comeing down from shrooms. |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|08:10 am] |
crazy drug life continues like the past week ive been smoking up a rid. amount every night with clay and johnathan. Last night we had a party in queens in Clay's house, and when i had to come home in the morning i threw up after the subway ride. i tell myself ok i have to take it slow have an off night before halloween. But no only a few hours after waking up i smoke, get drunk off my ass, then do shrooms, then smoke a shit load more. Its 8 in the morning CLay and Johnathan just left, im HIGH off my ass, but it was awesome. The best like 4-5 hours of my life, it involved sitting around listening to portishead and jimmy hendrix, watching the Jimmy poster in my room move, and the swirls on the ceiling.
In an impressionist's dream
Amble near please
crinkle your eyes
you perceptive, easy,
brooking water.
ou pace over me
measured proportionate
muscular worshipping
Just read me with the mind of a nympho
you maniac, and
suddenly it will all be clear
Everything is erotic
even rotting;
that's impending regeneration,
and nature.
Death, rebirth, children,
grey badgers, you, i, them, surely.
Flowers blossoming are a woman,
a velvety touch, a pair of scented lips.
Glasses hide the window to the heart,
belts the window to the soul.
Mirrors reflect flesh,
Metal emphasizes flesh,
Centipedes undulate,
Machines support and vibrate.
Blood has so many textures -
tell me, I can show you
the eros of everything. |
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| start of the weekend. |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|08:50 pm] |
Just got back from dinner with Jade, and it was ok shes really cool. She might come meet up with us at motherfucker later. I am about to go to saw 2 then motherfucker...im being a vampire tonight its so funny. just a bunch of chicks in corsetts running around the west villiage. O i love NYC. Lets see fakes about Jade.
21
from chi
into film
bad part shes only in nyc for halloween...cant take it slowly with her.
just said good-bye again. i think it was a good wrong longer then a month. Next week im going to see how far i can take things with chelsea. We have been hanging out like once or twice a week lately, but not alot has happened. Bleh... w.e
Got a C+ on my writing paper which sucks, im screwed im going to have to re-write at some point.
Happy Haloween |
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| kaitlyn's gone |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|09:09 am] |
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god last night was def. my worst night here. i think i am getting sevirouly depressed, and it is really pissing me off. i dont want to sink into some fucked up depression its just not fun bleh...kaitlyn is gone but at my own doing. no one to blame for that one except me, ironically. i love to blame other ppl for my own shit. it was just to good to good to stay true. she cared about me or so i think so ...i wouldnt do yay in front of her to ashemed, that was just to much pressure right there, ive only down yay like once in a while i dont really know how long, but awhile i have nos sence of time anymore...bleh. and she was nice to me, for no reason. when i would be mean to her, she gave me flowers. nobody has ever given me flowers for no reason, for just being nice. i only get flowers when pppl hurt me, or when ppl die i use to hate flowers, the whole traditon of giving flowers. its nice when flowers are not accociated with pain, its nice. the last time i got flowers was when dj cheated on me she gave me flowers, and the time before that when i was in the hospital after italy. i like flowers now. but the worst part of all if im slipping into depression i should not drag her along for the ride that would not be fun, and not fair. depression is all about drug addictions for me, and thats never fun for another person to watch bleh.......fuck......im so upset i cant even write. mi dia solo....i am alone, i wasnt alone with her, i was never alone. |
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